Bugatti Vera

"Flippin' 'eck! Is that a new Bugatti Vera?"

"Oh, aye!" she said, joyfully twiddling her gearstick. "Just came through today, all the way from Italy. Best million pounds I ever spent, Nige! Well, the only million pound I've spent, ha ha ha!" She devoted a hearty cackle as she leaned back in the seat of her brand new Veyron, though Nigel shook his balding head wistfully.

"You've changed, our Vera." he spoke with a stern, though slightly regretful, intonation. "That lottery win's gone right to yer head, that has."

Sure enough, Vera had amassed quite the luxurious collection following her recent windfall; a 70 inch Smart TV, an HD-DVD player with a complete collection of its releases, a 3 week holiday to Hull, a chicken farm, a golden bathtub, a bag of crisps and a signed photo of Karin Vogel, the last person in line to the British throne. Not to mention the veritable beast of a carriage she presently resided in, its matte black bodywork attempting to glisten in the afternoon sunlight. Although, this was not the only item of interest the lady had accrued from the Italian firm.

"Here Nige, gerra look at what else they have!" she exclaimed, producing a brightly-coloured, conical device.

Once he had produced his glasses for a closer look, Nigel cast a puzzled expression. "What's that then, some sort of fancy-pancy loudspeaker?"

"Not quite," answered Vera. "Believe it or not, this is one of their kettles! I never knew they even made kettles, ha ha ha!" She broke into laughter once more, possibly at the significant absurdity of the situation.

"Really?" went Nigel, as he leaned in curiously. "Looks quite nice. What's the capacity, 1.7?"

"1.75, actually!" replied Vera. "Looks like our Enid will be stopping round quite a while longer during tomorrow's Biscuits & Battlestar Galactica morning!"

"Right. Oh yeah," Nigel remembered. "How's Enid been lately? last I heard from Norman she was still recovering from her broken chair."

"Ah, she's doing fine love," Vera started. "She'll be even better when I show her our lovely new kettle! It's cordless, this one!"

Nigel gave a polite nod and a grin. Vera continued: "2000 watts of power and all, not to be sniffed at. But have a look at this!" She exposed the protruding handle of the appliance to her aging neighbour.

"Buttons, right." Nigel responded.

"Not just any buttons!" followed Vera. "There's this modern digital display here, see? You can actually set the exact temperature your water boils at! In't it marvellous?"

"By gum, that's bloody amazing!" Nigel said, offering an assuring raise of his brows. "So er, what's the damage then? How much did that set yer back?"

"Hundred and eighty-nine pounds!" boasted Vera.

Nigel flinched back in astonishment, almost fixing his tired back in the process. "By 'eck, Vera!" came the reaction. "Well, happen it's about right. Suppose you are living the life of luxury these days."

"Not half, Nige!" answered a beaming Vera, as she returned the item to the passanger floor of her prime Italian motor from whence it came, and readied the gears for her next thrilling journey.

"Right then!" started Nigel, returning his glasses to his top pocket. "You'll be off with the rest of the old lot down the bingo now, are yer?"

"The bingo?" exclaimed Vera. "You cheeky old bugger! I'm 23!"

Michael Graves Design Bells and Whistles Stainless Steel Tea Kettle

Eines der neuesten Kessel auf dem Markt, ist dieses zukunftsweisende Gestaltung durch die Michael Graves Design Group eine einzigartige und Exekutive neues Gerät exklusiv für JCPenney. Es ist ab sofort für den günstigen Preis von 80 Mark.

Unter den vielen überlegenen Eigenschaften dieser Edelstahl Wasserkocher sind die Kapazität von zwei Quart, das entspricht 2,2 Liter, besser als alle anderen Kesseln. Es hat eine breite Basis ermöglicht eine unglaublich schnelle Aufheizzeit, erobern bevor es alle. Für die herrliche Pfeife, die Legionen von treuen Untertanen Wasser Bestellung wird an die glorreichen gießen beginnen, und einen faltbaren Cool-Touch-Griff, der für tausend Jahre dauern wird.

HEIL WASSER! MEIN DAMPF! KESSEL ÜBER ALLES!

The Kettle Review - now on teletext!

Just a reminder to avid readers that you can also enjoy regular instalments of The Kettle Review on the BBC's prestigious Ceefax service! You can find all of your favourite kettle related articles in the technology reviews section on page 352. We made our landmark debut on the text-based service on the 25th of October last year, and have gone from strength to strength ever since! And it's all thanks to your continuing readership and support, without which none of this would have been possible.

Unfortunately, the teletext page has yet to go live to the nation due to a technical fault with the BBC's analogue coverage, which has rendered it off the air since October. And just before our big launch as well! But never fear, analogue coverage shall hopefully be recovered soon, along with our momentous television debut. In the meantime, you can enjoy a brief taster of our new pages in the image above. Keep your eyes peeled and your water boiled!

Siemens Porsche TW911P2

You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an unopened plastic box, a wallet, a closed file and another unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.

> OPEN PLASTIC BOX

Which Plastic Box would you like to open?

> OPEN PLASTIC BOX ON TABLE

Which Plastic Box on the table would you like to open?

> OPEN FIRST PLASTIC BOX ON TABLE

> You open the Plastic Box.

It is unfortunately empty.

> TAKE WALLET

Taken.

> TAKE FILE

The File is 2 metres thick and consequently too heavy to carry.

> OPEN FILE

You open the file. The front page reads "The Kettle Review: The Complete Archives."
Continue reading?

> YES

You turn to a different page. The article is entitled "Siemens Porsche TW911P2".

> READ

What do you want to read?

> READ ARSICLE

There isn't an arsicle in this room.

> READ ARTICLE

"... The latest effort by German technological giants Siemens, from its stylish Porsche range, is an updated version of the smash hit TW91100 kettle, which remained a bestseller for over five years. It succeeds in living up to the tremendous reputation set by its predecessor, boasting a boil time of less than two minutes, a handy multi-directional base and a professional looking aluminium design, as well as a double sided water level indicator for ease of use and a stainless steel filter. It also comes with a fetching blue LED built into the switch, indicating activity in a subtly beautiful way. The model comes with a matching toaster, though is available individually brand new for the recommended retail price of £74.99 ..."

Your desire to own a Siemens Porsche has increased.

> LOOK

You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an empty plastic box, an open file and an unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.
 
> OPEN ALL PLASTIC BOXES

You open all Plastic Boxes in the room.

The second Plastic Box on the table is locked.

The Plastic Box in the corner contains a key for the locked Plastic Box.

The Plastic Box to the south was a figment of your imagination.

> USE KEY ON SECOND PLASTIC BOX ON TABLE

You don't have the Key.

> TAKE KEY

Taken.

> USE KEY ON SECOND PLASTIC BOX ON FABLE

The moral of the game is: learn to type properly.

You unlock the second Plastic Box on the table. It contains a biscuit.

> TAKE BISCUIT

All of your previous actions are undone, forcing you to start all over again.

You feel that sufficiently takes the biscuit.

...


You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an unopened plastic box, a wallet, a closed file and another unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.

You have an odd desire to possess a Siemens Porsche kettle.

> TAKE WALLET

Taken.

> GO WEST

Life is peaceful there.

> GO NORTHEAST

Only Arriva and Scarlet Band operate services in this town.

> GO SOUTH

You are standing in front of your house. There is an appliance store to the south, and a road into town heading east. A large troll blocks your way west.

> TALK TO TROLL

You speak to the troll.

He grins fiendishly at you and says "U mad, bro?"

> GO SOUTH

You are at the entrance to an appliance store. A pathway leads north to the main road.

> ENTER STORE

You are standing in the appliance store. The store is tastefully furnished with all manner of brand new, modern electrical appliances, including vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, kettles, miniature ovens and motorised kitchen sinks.

There is a Siemens Porsche kettle on the display. You feel a strong desire to purchase it.

> TAKE SIEMENS PORSCHE

The store's CCTV system watches you like a hawk. You refrain from stealing the Siemens Porsche in light of this.

> OPEN WALLET

You have £70 in your Wallet.

You don't think you have enough to purchase the Siemens Porsche.

> EXAMINE SIEMENS PORSCHE

The Siemens Porsche looks, and seems to function, exactly as you imagined it would.

Upon closer inspection, you notice a label beneath the Siemens Porsche.

> READ LABEL

"SPECIAL OFFER: £65.99 (RRP £74.99)"

> BUY SIEMENS PORSCHE

With enough money to buy the Siemens Porsche, you take it over to the counter. The cashier seems to be absent, however.

There is a bell on the counter marked "Customer Waiting".

> RING BELL

You ring the bell. It says "Ding".

Nothing happens.

> RING BELL

You ring the bell a second time.

Nothing happens.

> RING BELL

You ring the bell a third time.

You are ambushed and killed to death by a vicious arsicle.

The cashier later arrives and discovers your lifeless carcass in front of the counter, accompanied by a bloodstained Siemens Porsche kettle. He picks up the kettle, gives it a quick wipe down with his shirt sleeve and returns it do the display. He then picks up the staff telephone and calls for his supervisor.

"Brenda? Could you pop round to the supermarket and get some more arsicle traps? Yeah, it happened again. Near the kettles this time. Cheers."

YOU HAVE DIED

GAME OVER
Progress: 3%

Grundig WK-5040

This is the tale of a fellow called Dallas Savage. You see, Dallas was an unassuming chap who would often perform a good turn for his friends, family and neighbours. Stories of Dallas' heroic and kindly deeds swept the village and the nearby towns, and travelled onwards across the lands.

The acts of kindness performed by Dallas seemed to have no limits: helping old folk cross the road, helping chickens cross the road, saving cats from trees, saving trees from chainsaws, saving chainsaws from murderous psychopaths and returning them to the hardware store, phoning the police when the murderous psychopaths started being silly in the hardware store and causing a bit of bother. He even took a bullet for someone once, which was particularly heroic given that he was terrified of trains.

Tragically, the life and reputation of Dallas Savage would take a bigger nosedive than Felix Baumgartner on one brutally fateful day. In what was another in an extensive list of good deeds, Dallas was helping out his good friend Julian Poid, a full-time carer for his dear grandmama, unable to do his weekly shop as she'd had a fall during the night, the result of a particularly bad nightmare in which she dreamt she'd had a fall. More than happy to lend a hand in his friend's hour of need, Dallas got on a bus to Nupermarket, and went to the supermarket. All was going well; he'd collected the milk, eggs, potatoes, tinned plum tomatoes and ocean pies, as well as a replacement fuse for the soup sieve. Then an irresistible temptation would catch his eye, and turn his life a hundred and seventy-nine point nine degrees. Namely, a Grundig WK-5040.

It was hopelessly difficult for Dallas to turn away from this 3 kilowatt siren, with an impressive 1.7 litre capacity. Sitting atop a 360-degree full swivel base, and boasting such features as a removable and washable limescale filter, a covered element for a clean boil and a pioneering boil-dry protection system, which triggered an automatic switch-off if the kettle contained an insufficient amount of water, or perhaps even none at all, Dallas was understandably smitten with this wondrous kitchen-dwelling device.

Dallas checked the price: £50.99. Still full price, not on special offer. He realised he'd left his wallet back in his home village, and was initially downhearted. Then a thought crossed his mind; he hurriedly drew Julian's shopping money from his pocket and counted. There was enough to cover most of the shopping and the kettle, albeit only just. He would have to leave a couple things behind. Granny Poid would be fine with a couple less tins of chip-shop flavour mushy peas and packet of Garibaldis, he was sure. And so, Dallas indulged his desire, just this once, and bought himself the appliance. He would quickly pay the difference back to Julian of course, with interest and the remainder of the shopping, real soon. All would be fine, he thought.

When he returned and explained his actions to his good friend, Dallas Savage was met with a wall of fury the like of which he had never witnessed before. Julian screamed and shouted with utmost anguish of how he'd been betrayed, by his best friend no less. He cursed, lashed out, fell to his knees and wept, deeply emotionally pained at how his poor grandmother would be forced to eat dry mash for the next couple of nights. Within seconds, word had spread around the town of Dallas' abhorrent breach of trust, and in the blink of an eye his reputation was shattered. Dallas would forever be labelled a liar, a traitor and a thief, as well as many other less than savoury descriptions, by the many people who once adored him and considered him a role model.

Dallas was contrite in the absolute for his shameful act of giving in to temptation. His remorse for the ill feelings he had caused so many came far too late to hold any meaning, however. He was arrested and charged by his village's money police, and submitted to the courts where he pleaded guilty for his actions. He was sentenced to life imprisonment, likely never to dare show his face in town again.

And so ends the tale of the spectacular fall from grace of Dallas Savage. The moral of the story: If you see something you want, wait for the price to come down, whether by shopping around, special offer or simple, natural depreciation. That way you shall have enough left over to buy those critical extra supplies and not let yourself and others down.

Where is Dallas now? He is currently entering his 32nd year in prison, currently sharing a cell with Perry the paedo. The latest in a long line of cellmates, Perry is serving 4 months for the unauthorised swatting of a bee.


In memory of Mr Buzzington, beloved drone of Nupermarket Apiary
2013 - 2013

Tesco Value JK12

It was twenty to three in the afternoon on Furlong Road, one beautifully sunny Equiday, where two residents of the sugar beet-en street were sharing a conversation.

"Hi, Whinnyfred!" greeted his acquaintance Ascott.

"Afternoon, neigh-bour!" replied Whinnyfred cheerily. "How's the old mare today?"

"Well, let's just say the going's good to firm, if you know what I mean!" came the answer. "Listen, me old chestnut; I was trotting round to the shops in Distal Phalanx this morning, and bumped into our old mucker Parrotmouth!"

"Galloping geldings, haven't seen him since he was a foal!" spluttered Whinnyfred. "What's he up to, nowadays? Last I heard he bucked off to somewhere far-rier way."

"Aye," replied Ascott. "He cantered all the way down from Colt, and now he's knackered. He was really gaskin for air."

"Heh, just as long as he doesn't stirrup trouble." exclaimed Whinnyfred. "Make sure you fetlock your doors and gaits at night to be on the safe side!"

Ascott gave a knowing grin. "Lame! Anyway, I'm chomping at the bit to tell you what I finally got delivered in the winning post today!"

"Ah! Is it those new irons you ordered?" inquired Whinnyfred.

"Better than that, my new kettle finally turned up!" told Ascott. "A Tesco Value JK12, to be precise. Only a cheap one, I know, but you have to start somewhere."

"Ah yeah, that cheap plastic contraption you were on about before." groaned Whinnyfred. "You know, it's funny how the fine folk at Tesco are so eager to point out that it's 'not hazardous material'. It's as if they're hiding something."

"Well with such a basic model as this it's difficult to see what they're hiding, if anything." Ascott continued. "1.7 litre capacity, limescale filter, water level indicator. And that's it really. Jocky told me it has a reasonable boil time, so it shouldn't be a problem."

"I'd say take care mate," started Whinnyfred. "I've heard a few horror stories over time. The lid's prone to the odd leak here and there, quite a number of burnt hands. You don't wanna be getting shorter now, do yer?"

"Brrrr! Sounds a bit worrying." said a concerned Ascott.

"Too right, you can never trust these cheap kettles." answered Whinnyfred. "Furthermore, it's probably only gonna be good for a few months' running. Maybe six if you're lucky. I'd say it's odds-on to be a faller."

"Hmmmm. Perhaps you're right." stated a pensive Ascott. "Suppose a basic level of quality's what you should expect from these own-brand appliances. I'll take it in stride and see how things go, but maybe I'll stick to food shopping from there from now on!"

"Haha, a stable choice!" agreed Whinnyfred. "Anyway, that reminds me. Everything set for that barbeque you're doing tonight?"

"I've got all the groundwork in place, it should be a corker of an evening. A true nine to five favourite, even if I say so myself!" explained an amused Ascott. "There is one drawback though; I've been watching a load of rather shocking reports on the news this morning, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to throw out the burgers."

"Really? That's a bit of a shame. What's happened?" asked Whinnyfred.

Ascott sighed wearily. "They went off. I accidentally left them out of the freezer while I was watching the news."

"Ah, cack."

Kenwood kMix Boutique SJM047 Orange

As Duncan polished off the remnants of his wood-fired chicken madras, a quandry passed through his mind. Never a hesitant being, he rose from his beanbag as his perplexed acquaintances gazed at him. His odd behaviour had started to concern them somewhat, but they shrugged it off as a minor allergic reaction to the new cushions, and resumed watching Granada Breeze.

After several minutes, Duncan approached the boiler cupboard, upon which he opened the door and was met with a pile of largely unused devices amongst varying crannies. He chucked his now empty dinner plate in the bin, it being one of a number of leftover paper plates from the recent party they held for St Kaleidoscope's Day, also handily granting them at least a fortnight's worth of less washing-up. He knelt down and started to rummage through the spare basins, pepper fountains and polystyrene chess sets presented to each other ill-advisedly as birthday gifts over the years, for he sought the old NES console they once played many years ago, for old times' sake. He had already discovered the cartridges they came to possess over the years: Ice Climber, Uninvited, Genghis Khan, Nintendo World Championships 1990 and Journey to Silius, as well as a few others.

His search was soon interrupted, however, when he found the Kenwood kMix Boutique he thought he'd lost in a bumskating contest two years ago.

"What you looking for Dunc?" called Tancred, his eyes never breaking from the captivating episode of Judge Joe Brown on the tellybox.

"Great news!" replied Duncan, returning to his pals. "I've found that Kenwood kettle among all the rubbish in the boiler cupboard!"

"The one you thought you lost a couple years back to Kev in that stair-sliding challenge?" asked Florence.

"Aye, haha!" answered a reminiscent Duncan. "Don't remind me! Still got that red bit on me left cheek!" he started to kneel down to place the appliance on the floor, before realising he had already knelt down at the cupboard earlier, so stood up and knelt back down again.

"Woah," started Albert, as the kettle descended to the floor. "I remember one of these. The Kenwood kMix Boutique, in orange. My doctor used to have one of these, 3 kilowatts of power, 1.6 litre capacity. Beauty!"

"Absolutely!" continued Tancred. "Also featuring a mesh filter for a cleaner drink, water level indicator and rapid boil function, all at the same time. It's a stainless steel miracle!"

"Isn't it just!" exclaimed Duncan. "Not to mention it's cordless, meaning you can take it pretty much anywhere, and its non-slip SureGrip handle surface and comfortable design allow it to be handled with a great deal of safety. It also says it comes with a one-year guarantee, though given how long it might have been in there I'm not sure if it's still going anymore!"

As the group were sharing a round of joyous laughter, Florence pointed excitedly at the device. "Oh, wow! Look! It even has an illuminated power switch to let you know when it's on or off!"

Her other friends gasped loudly, taken aback in sheer awe and amazement at this revelation. "That'll be very handy coupled with the auto switch-off function!" mentioned Albert.

"Indeed," added Duncan. "It cost quite a bit, though, £50.99. Still, sure beats a few pints down the Elephant Arms, right guys?"

"Heh heh, not half Duncan!" answered an amused Tancred. "Kev doesn't know what he's been missing all these years!"

As they all shared in the remainder of their mirth, Duncan sat back down on his beanbag and began watching television with the rest of his companions. After half a minute or so of viewing, another thought crossed his mind.

"Guys?" said Duncan. "Why are we watching an old recording of Granada Breeze?"

Bosch Private Collection TWK6831

The man nervously gripped the lamp in his tired hands, clammy with anticipation. This mystical device had been the talk of travellers and archaeologists across the globe for many, many centuries, and after a long embattled and ferocious 8-year expedition, here he was at long last. The sole occupant of the world's long lost final magic lamp, unfound for many years deep within the unforgiving climes and intimidating mountains of Nepal.

With bated breath, the man gave the lamp a vigorous clean. An ominous smoke began to emanate from the spout of the fabled object, initially formless, but gradually it came to take on a more human shape.

"Salutations, brave mortal!" boomed the apparition's voice. "As the first being in centuries to discover me and release me from the infernal lamp, I offer you my sincerest gratitude by granting you but three wishes."

"Three wishes!" the man uttered, still lost in his own sea of amazement and wonder. His imagination spilled over with the many incredible possibilities this revelation yielded. The apparition kept patiently for several minutes until the man finally set eyes upon him once more, with a decision reached.

"I wish for a Bosch Private Collection TWK6831!" the man exclaimed. The apparition seemed taken aback by the enormity of the man's request.

"A Bosch Private Collection TWK6831?" he questioned. "You mean, the device with the coveted 3.1kW power rating that allows for a superior rapid boil function?"

"Indeed," the man replied. "With time often of the essence these days, I fear there is little time to lose for one's beverage to be brought to the boil." He paused, and gazed wistfully into the air. "I must say, though, its sleek, stainless steel finish is... most divine."

"It is very much a thing of untold beauty." the apparition agreed. "Yet there is so much more to the piece than superficial expertise. A base that allows for safe position in any direction, a concealed element, furthermore a removable limescale filter within its voluptuous lip."

"Not forgetting, the generous 1.7 litre capacity, o fabled one!" the man added, his voice starting to tremble with growing anticipation.

"But of course!" the apparition vociferated. "So much more space than that infernal lamp which has remained my prison for many long years. I dare say, I very much like the sound of this... 'TWK6831' which you so desire." The apparition remained pensive for about half a minute, before indicating readiness with a swift motion of his hand.

"All right, you shall receive your first wish, but with a single condition." started the apparition. "You shall forever share with me your luxurious new chamber, as a habitat in which I may live and cessate for all eternity."

"You desire to live in it?" the man asked, concerned. "But what of the boiling water that surround you? The electrical current? Won't your new surroundings be too harsh for you to survive?"

"Ah!" grinned the apparition. "You seem to forget, I am not a tangible being. Such surroundings shall bear no ill effect to myself. Besides, it will bring me better health and wellbeing for certain. I've got terrible diarrhoea, you see."

Dualit 72702 Dome Cream

There is an old saying that goes "a watched kettle never boils". There is also a remark that refers to "the pot calling the kettle black". Such is the incredibly ubiquitous nature of the kettle in everybody's day-to-day lives that it is referred in a number of timeless sayings. It is testament, therefore, that so many high-quality brands of this humble device exist in the world today, such as this model by West Sussex based Dualit.

This remarkably stylish model bears an essence of the traditional tea-room with its cream-coloured 360 swivel base and plastic handle. Other features include a decent 1.6 litre capacity, concealed element, a removable/washable limescale filter which proves ideal for harder water supplies, 3kW of power and boil dry protection, which causes the kettle to switch off automatically when emptied. The Dualit's plastic features also allow for easier pickup when boiled, with it's plastic handle and heatproof knob.

If you ask me, the knob on this kettle proves to be a rather delightful feature which only adds to its quaintness. Not a lot of kettles these days have a knob, so its always welcome to see such an appendage acknowledged in more modern day kettles. There's nothing like a decent knob to make a kettle look more attractive, an ideal addition to brighten up anyone's household. The knob also proves to be an immense amount of fun to twiddle, as it allows for a satisfying drinking experience to suit the individual's desired tastes. Of couse, it goes without saying that you should avoid the temptation to use the knob too much as it may wear out, become discoloured and, in some rare cases, stop working altogether. It is recommended that you clean your knob at least once a week, especially if you have a busy household as many more people may handle it, and there's no way of knowing where their hands have been.

This particular Dualit model can be bought new for between £60-£80 from some stores, placing it in the higher-end of the price range as far as conventional kettles go, though there are prices available sub £30 from some retailers. One retailer previously had the model available as new for just £17, so it pays to shop around if you are looking for a quaint and stylish kettle with an attractive knob.

Russell Hobbs 19340 Jewels Sapphire

Founded in the 1950s, Russell Hobbs has grown to become an established and highly respected manufacturer of appliances for the kitchen. The company has been responsible for a variety of innovations for kettle technology, such as the first automatic electric kettle, and the first kettle made entirely of plastic, and the website boasts of being the leading brand for kettles.

The cordless Jewels Sapphire is one of many of the brand's current models. It's sleek, modern and fitting design provide a stylish and versatile fit to the modern kitchen, if a little imposing. 3kW of power, 1.7 litres of capacity, with water level indicator and a gauge which illuminates to indicate when it is switched on or has completed its boil cycle. The model has in-built water filter and concealed element to keep limescale at bay, ensuring a cleaner drink. It also has a 360 degree swivel base for easy storage, and comes with a one year guarantee by the manufacturer.

Mind you, probably just as well. I'd be incredibly ticked off if I bought a kettle from a well-known manufacturer with the knowledge that it probably wouldn't see out the year. Then again, what even after that? By only providing a one year guarantee, are Russell Hobbs suggesting that this kettle is likely not to live for much longer after that length of time has expired? If so then that's a rather shoddy and poor job if you ask me. I, personally, would expect any kettle to last me for a good few years. 3 at the very least, even if I weren't necessarily going to hang onto it for that long, and that includes cheaper brands. If this company can't guarantee that this potential piece of good-looking scrap, with a name that bears too much of a resemblance to a porn star name (I mean, "Jewels Sapphire"? Seriously?), then I'd be a little bit wary of parting with my dosh.

Prices tend to range around the 30 to 40 pound mark as new, as usual it may be bought cheaper if you shop around for any used models available. That is, if you can discover any that have survived their alarmingly short guarantee. Nevertheless it is an ideal model for those seeking a beautiful, almost executive, traditionally modern and old-fashioned design.

Morphy Richards 43974 Accents

Over the years, the humble kettle has constantly been shaped and fashioned to compliment the kitchen in whatever style is considered modern at the time. This model by the UK's Morphy Richards demonstrates a quietly contemporary example of the current modern trends.

The Accents model sports a modest 1.5 litre capacity, but boasts many of the features one would be looking for in a modern kettle; it has a removable and washable limescale filter, 360 degree base, concealed element and 3kW quick boil power rating as standard. Its appearance is understated but modern, stainless steel with a smooth red finish and a pleasing roundedness, not particularly eye-catching but a subtle fit to most contemporary kitchens since it retains a traditional kettle shape.

Then again, how can one really define what the "traditional" shape of a kettle is? Sure, this model looks like a kettle, but so does the one depicted in the banner, which is a remarkably different shape as well as having its handle on the top. Even that barmy Legion Of Doom from DeLonghi reviewed earlier is (at least vaguely) recognisable as a kettle. Essentially, pretty much any heatable basic container can be regarded a kettle so long as it has a lid and a spout near the top. One day I would like to see a kettle in the shape of, oh I dunno, a donkey or something, with a spout bursting out of the poor quadruped's face while a square portion on its back (perhaps a saddle?) can be removed to insert one's gunky tap water into. Come to think of it, a camel might be a better idea. The hump could in theory be fashioned into a lid shape anyway. Plus it has a reputation for spitting so that would explain the spout.

Originally at the £60 mark from the manufacturer direct, the Accents can be found from some retailers for half the price. This model is a nicely understated fit for many contemporary kitchens, though one simple fact remains: the camel kettle is a brilliant idea, and I am a flaming genius.

Breville VKJ160

If there's one esssential item every household needs, it is a reliable, long-lasting cordless jug kettle. The highly revered Australian manufacturer Breville prides itself on delivering this promise with its innovative and respectable range of household appliances.

Perhaps better known for its toasters, Breville's kettle range certainly isn't to be sniffed at. Take this model for example, the VKJ160. It has 3kW of power, allowing for a quick boil, a sleek stainless steel finish and water gauges on both sides, which illuminate in a blue light to indicate the boil, perhaps also reassuring the consumer of the purity of the water. It has a concealed element, which is easy to clean and safe from limescale, a non-slip 360 degree rotational base and safety lock lid to help prevent spillage.

One drawback to this model, however, is its slightly lower storage capacity of 1.5 litres, which can prove to be a little inconvenient in a world where many other kettles have a 1.7 litre capacity as standard. Not ideal if you have a great deal of company on a regular basis, though one has to admit it certainly looks the part. I suppose you could fill it further if you really needed to, though I would never recommend overfilling a kettle as it may well lead to a messy worktop, possible burns and, if situated too near to a socket, a potential electrical fire. You wouldn't want that, would you? All your posessions, your family photos, your golf trophies, that ribbon you won for coming 5th in the national amateur breakdancing contest (Heat B), all reduced to mere cinders in an instant, because you foolishly chose to put that little bit extra into the kettle? Maybe someone gets hospitalised, your family leaves you, you have to start your whole life from scratch, if you're less fortunate. No! Never, ever, overfill your kettle! The "MAX" is there for a bloody good reason!

Recommended retail price for the Breville stands at £39.99, though it can be found for less from certain retailers, with some prices beneath the £30 range. A stylish kettle that wouldn't look out of place in most homes, though best suited for quieter households due to its limited capacity.

DeLonghi Brillante KBJ3001.BK

The Italians have often been associated with style, taste, beauty and a remarkable sense of fashion, whatever the endeavour. Their fine craftsmanship is no different in the world of kettles, as is proven by this stylistic and eye-catching model by Italian manufacturers DeLonghi.

This 3kW model, from the glamorous Brillante range, has a 1.7 litre capacity, 360 degree detachable swivel base and a remarkably quick boiling time that allows even the inefficient consumer to make a quick cuppa without the unnecessary waiting time. The Brillante is also an ideal model to use in regions with a particularly hard water supply, with its detachable and rewashable anti-limescale filter. Furthermore, the stainless-steel element is concealed allowing for further prevention from limescale, which will result in a longer life.

The model has a recommended price of around £59.99, though it can be found brand new for less than £50 from some stores. Whether you find it desirable or not, however, depends entirely on whether you would be comfortable having an item akin to the dismembered lower half of a robot Mary Poppins sitting on your kitchen worktop for year after year. I mean seriously, look at it. Many consumers would consider this a monstrosity, I know I would. The base and the handle are sleek enough, but the jagged triangular effect does nothing to rescue the grotesquely plump shape which rounds off to an unfittingly tiny peak. A peak that the DeLonghi designers decided to top off with something that looks like a woollen bobble hat ham-fistedly fitted onto a Teletubby. It looks ridiculous.

Still, if it's the subtly zany, retro-futuristic look you're going for, knock yourself out. In spite of its appearance, the Brillante is a technically highly capable, and very efficient, model of kettle. If it's pure stats you're going on and have no qualms about style or appearance then I would recommend it. Just, er, best to keep the guests in the lounge.