Wednesday, 27 February 2013
This is the tale of a fellow called Dallas Savage. You see, Dallas was an unassuming chap who would often perform a good turn for his friends, family and neighbours. Stories of Dallas' heroic and kindly deeds swept the village and the nearby towns, and travelled onwards across the lands.
The acts of kindness performed by Dallas seemed to have no limits: helping old folk cross the road, helping chickens cross the road, saving cats from trees, saving trees from chainsaws, saving chainsaws from murderous psychopaths and returning them to the hardware store, phoning the police when the murderous psychopaths started being silly in the hardware store and causing a bit of bother. He even took a bullet for someone once, which was particularly heroic given that he was terrified of trains.
Tragically, the life and reputation of Dallas Savage would take a bigger nosedive than Felix Baumgartner on one brutally fateful day. In what was another in an extensive list of good deeds, Dallas was helping out his good friend Julian Poid, a full-time carer for his dear grandmama, unable to do his weekly shop as she'd had a fall during the night, the result of a particularly bad nightmare in which she dreamt she'd had a fall. More than happy to lend a hand in his friend's hour of need, Dallas got on a bus to Nupermarket, and went to the supermarket. All was going well; he'd collected the milk, eggs, potatoes, tinned plum tomatoes and ocean pies, as well as a replacement fuse for the soup sieve. Then an irresistible temptation would catch his eye, and turn his life a hundred and seventy-nine point nine degrees. Namely, a Grundig WK-5040.
It was hopelessly difficult for Dallas to turn away from this 3 kilowatt siren, with an impressive 1.7 litre capacity. Sitting atop a 360-degree full swivel base, and boasting such features as a removable and washable limescale filter, a covered element for a clean boil and a pioneering boil-dry protection system, which triggered an automatic switch-off if the kettle contained an insufficient amount of water, or perhaps even none at all, Dallas was understandably smitten with this wondrous kitchen-dwelling device.
Dallas checked the price: £50.99. Still full price, not on special offer. He realised he'd left his wallet back in his home village, and was initially downhearted. Then a thought crossed his mind; he hurriedly drew Julian's shopping money from his pocket and counted. There was enough to cover most of the shopping and the kettle, albeit only just. He would have to leave a couple things behind. Granny Poid would be fine with a couple less tins of chip-shop flavour mushy peas and packet of Garibaldis, he was sure. And so, Dallas indulged his desire, just this once, and bought himself the appliance. He would quickly pay the difference back to Julian of course, with interest and the remainder of the shopping, real soon. All would be fine, he thought.
When he returned and explained his actions to his good friend, Dallas Savage was met with a wall of fury the like of which he had never witnessed before. Julian screamed and shouted with utmost anguish of how he'd been betrayed, by his best friend no less. He cursed, lashed out, fell to his knees and wept, deeply emotionally pained at how his poor grandmother would be forced to eat dry mash for the next couple of nights. Within seconds, word had spread around the town of Dallas' abhorrent breach of trust, and in the blink of an eye his reputation was shattered. Dallas would forever be labelled a liar, a traitor and a thief, as well as many other less than savoury descriptions, by the many people who once adored him and considered him a role model.
Dallas was contrite in the absolute for his shameful act of giving in to temptation. His remorse for the ill feelings he had caused so many came far too late to hold any meaning, however. He was arrested and charged by his village's money police, and submitted to the courts where he pleaded guilty for his actions. He was sentenced to life imprisonment, likely never to dare show his face in town again.
And so ends the tale of the spectacular fall from grace of Dallas Savage. The moral of the story: If you see something you want, wait for the price to come down, whether by shopping around, special offer or simple, natural depreciation. That way you shall have enough left over to buy those critical extra supplies and not let yourself and others down.
Where is Dallas now? He is currently entering his 32nd year in prison, currently sharing a cell with Perry the paedo. The latest in a long line of cellmates, Perry is serving 4 months for the unauthorised swatting of a bee.
In memory of Mr Buzzington, beloved drone of Nupermarket Apiary
2013 - 2013