Saturday, 2 April 2016

Bugatti Vera

"Flippin' 'eck! Is that a new Bugatti Vera?"

"Oh, aye!" she said, joyfully twiddling her gearstick. "Just came through today, all the way from Italy. Best million pounds I ever spent, Nige! Well, the only million pound I've spent, ha ha ha!" She devoted a hearty cackle as she leaned back in the seat of her brand new Veyron, though Nigel shook his balding head wistfully.

"You've changed, our Vera." he spoke with a stern, though slightly regretful, intonation. "That lottery win's gone right to yer head, that has."

Sure enough, Vera had amassed quite the luxurious collection following her recent windfall; a 70 inch Smart TV, an HD-DVD player with a complete collection of its releases, a 3 week holiday to Hull, a chicken farm, a golden bathtub, a bag of crisps and a signed photo of Karin Vogel, the last person in line to the British throne. Not to mention the veritable beast of a carriage she presently resided in, its matte black bodywork attempting to glisten in the afternoon sunlight. Although, this was not the only item of interest the lady had accrued from the Italian firm.

"Here Nige, gerra look at what else they have!" she exclaimed, producing a brightly-coloured, conical device.

Once he had produced his glasses for a closer look, Nigel cast a puzzled expression. "What's that then, some sort of fancy-pancy loudspeaker?"

"Not quite," answered Vera. "Believe it or not, this is one of their kettles! I never knew they even made kettles, ha ha ha!" She broke into laughter once more, possibly at the significant absurdity of the situation.

"Really?" went Nigel, as he leaned in curiously. "Looks quite nice. What's the capacity, 1.7?"

"1.75, actually!" replied Vera. "Looks like our Enid will be stopping round quite a while longer during tomorrow's Biscuits & Battlestar Galactica morning!"

"Right. Oh yeah," Nigel remembered. "How's Enid been lately? last I heard from Norman she was still recovering from her broken chair."

"Ah, she's doing fine love," Vera started. "She'll be even better when I show her our lovely new kettle! It's cordless, this one!"

Nigel gave a polite nod and a grin. Vera continued: "2000 watts of power and all, not to be sniffed at. But have a look at this!" She exposed the protruding handle of the appliance to her aging neighbour.

"Buttons, right." Nigel responded.

"Not just any buttons!" followed Vera. "There's this modern digital display here, see? You can actually set the exact temperature your water boils at! In't it marvellous?"

"By gum, that's bloody amazing!" Nigel said, offering an assuring raise of his brows. "So er, what's the damage then? How much did that set yer back?"

"Hundred and eighty-nine pounds!" boasted Vera.

Nigel flinched back in astonishment, almost fixing his tired back in the process. "By 'eck, Vera!" came the reaction. "Well, happen it's about right. Suppose you are living the life of luxury these days."

"Not half, Nige!" answered a beaming Vera, as she returned the item to the passanger floor of her prime Italian motor from whence it came, and readied the gears for her next thrilling journey.

"Right then!" started Nigel, returning his glasses to his top pocket. "You'll be off with the rest of the old lot down the bingo now, are yer?"

"The bingo?" exclaimed Vera. "You cheeky old bugger! I'm 23!"

Thursday, 30 May 2013

Michael Graves Design Bells and Whistles Stainless Steel Tea Kettle

Eines der neuesten Kessel auf dem Markt, ist dieses zukunftsweisende Gestaltung durch die Michael Graves Design Group eine einzigartige und Exekutive neues Gerät exklusiv für JCPenney. Es ist ab sofort für den günstigen Preis von 80 Mark.

Unter den vielen überlegenen Eigenschaften dieser Edelstahl Wasserkocher sind die Kapazität von zwei Quart, das entspricht 2,2 Liter, besser als alle anderen Kesseln. Es hat eine breite Basis ermöglicht eine unglaublich schnelle Aufheizzeit, erobern bevor es alle. Für die herrliche Pfeife, die Legionen von treuen Untertanen Wasser Bestellung wird an die glorreichen gießen beginnen, und einen faltbaren Cool-Touch-Griff, der für tausend Jahre dauern wird.


Wednesday, 1 May 2013

The Kettle Review - now on teletext!

Just a reminder to avid readers that you can also enjoy regular instalments of The Kettle Review on the BBC's prestigious Ceefax service! You can find all of your favourite kettle related articles in the technology reviews section on page 352. We made our landmark debut on the text-based service on the 25th of October last year, and have gone from strength to strength ever since! And it's all thanks to your continuing readership and support, without which none of this would have been possible.

Unfortunately, the teletext page has yet to go live to the nation due to a technical fault with the BBC's analogue coverage, which has rendered it off the air since October. And just before our big launch as well! But never fear, analogue coverage shall hopefully be recovered soon, along with our momentous television debut. In the meantime, you can enjoy a brief taster of our new pages in the image above. Keep your eyes peeled and your water boiled!

Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Siemens Porsche TW911P2

You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an unopened plastic box, a wallet, a closed file and another unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.


Which Plastic Box would you like to open?


Which Plastic Box on the table would you like to open?


> You open the Plastic Box.

It is unfortunately empty.




The File is 2 metres thick and consequently too heavy to carry.


You open the file. The front page reads "The Kettle Review: The Complete Archives."
Continue reading?


You turn to a different page. The article is entitled "Siemens Porsche TW911P2".


What do you want to read?


There isn't an arsicle in this room.


"... The latest effort by German technological giants Siemens, from its stylish Porsche range, is an updated version of the smash hit TW91100 kettle, which remained a bestseller for over five years. It succeeds in living up to the tremendous reputation set by its predecessor, boasting a boil time of less than two minutes, a handy multi-directional base and a professional looking aluminium design, as well as a double sided water level indicator for ease of use and a stainless steel filter. It also comes with a fetching blue LED built into the switch, indicating activity in a subtly beautiful way. The model comes with a matching toaster, though is available individually brand new for the recommended retail price of £74.99 ..."

Your desire to own a Siemens Porsche has increased.


You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an empty plastic box, an open file and an unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.

You open all Plastic Boxes in the room.

The second Plastic Box on the table is locked.

The Plastic Box in the corner contains a key for the locked Plastic Box.

The Plastic Box to the south was a figment of your imagination.


You don't have the Key.




The moral of the game is: learn to type properly.

You unlock the second Plastic Box on the table. It contains a biscuit.


All of your previous actions are undone, forcing you to start all over again.

You feel that sufficiently takes the biscuit.


You are standing in a moderately-sized room, fitted with a fetching lilac wallpaper. There is a desk in the middle of the room. On the desk sits an unopened plastic box, a wallet, a closed file and another unopened plastic box. In the corner of the room sits another unopened plastic box. There are doors exiting to the west, northeast and south, the latter of which is preceded by another unopened plastic box.

You have an odd desire to possess a Siemens Porsche kettle.




Life is peaceful there.


Only Arriva and Scarlet Band operate services in this town.


You are standing in front of your house. There is an appliance store to the south, and a road into town heading east. A large troll blocks your way west.


You speak to the troll.

He grins fiendishly at you and says "U mad, bro?"


You are at the entrance to an appliance store. A pathway leads north to the main road.


You are standing in the appliance store. The store is tastefully furnished with all manner of brand new, modern electrical appliances, including vacuum cleaners, dishwashers, kettles, miniature ovens and motorised kitchen sinks.

There is a Siemens Porsche kettle on the display. You feel a strong desire to purchase it.


The store's CCTV system watches you like a hawk. You refrain from stealing the Siemens Porsche in light of this.


You have £70 in your Wallet.

You don't think you have enough to purchase the Siemens Porsche.


The Siemens Porsche looks, and seems to function, exactly as you imagined it would.

Upon closer inspection, you notice a label beneath the Siemens Porsche.


"SPECIAL OFFER: £65.99 (RRP £74.99)"


With enough money to buy the Siemens Porsche, you take it over to the counter. The cashier seems to be absent, however.

There is a bell on the counter marked "Customer Waiting".


You ring the bell. It says "Ding".

Nothing happens.


You ring the bell a second time.

Nothing happens.


You ring the bell a third time.

You are ambushed and killed to death by a vicious arsicle.

The cashier later arrives and discovers your lifeless carcass in front of the counter, accompanied by a bloodstained Siemens Porsche kettle. He picks up the kettle, gives it a quick wipe down with his shirt sleeve and returns it do the display. He then picks up the staff telephone and calls for his supervisor.

"Brenda? Could you pop round to the supermarket and get some more arsicle traps? Yeah, it happened again. Near the kettles this time. Cheers."


Progress: 3%

Monday, 1 April 2013

The Jersey Cow - An Insight

Originating from the Channel Island from whence its name came, the tale of the Jersey Cow begins as far back as the early 18th century, when it was first recorded as a seperate breed.

Starting from the year 1789, the Jersey cow was completely isolated from interbreeding and imports from around the world by island law so that they could maintain the purity of the breed, a pride of Jersey for many years. The embargo was only very recently lifted in 2008, albeit with very strict import legislation in place to continue protecting the breed from outer influence.

The Jersey cow has long been held as a fine tradition in the world of livestock, and it's clear to see why; substantial and highly economical benefits in production, such as a high fertility rate, high butterfat conditions, grazing ability and being able to thrive on local produce make the Jersey cow a very desirable breed from a business perspective. Besides this, they are generally very docile and curious creatures by nature, making them ideal for the first time owner, and are very capable of adapting to hot climates, which has led to them being a popular breed in countries on the equator such as Brazil.

The Jersey cow is rather small, weighing in at about 950 pounds on average (1,500 for bulls), and are often recognisable by their various shades of brown, although typically fawn. Purebred Jerseys tend to be identifiable by the presence of a light band around the muzzle, black hooves and a long, dark switch. The practice of exporting Jerseys for the purpose of beneficial cross-breeding is carried out-


Hang on a minute.....

Sorry folks, I've got the wrong blog. This article was meant for The Cattle Review.

Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Grundig WK-5040

This is the tale of a fellow called Dallas Savage. You see, Dallas was an unassuming chap who would often perform a good turn for his friends, family and neighbours. Stories of Dallas' heroic and kindly deeds swept the village and the nearby towns, and travelled onwards across the lands.

The acts of kindness performed by Dallas seemed to have no limits: helping old folk cross the road, helping chickens cross the road, saving cats from trees, saving trees from chainsaws, saving chainsaws from murderous psychopaths and returning them to the hardware store, phoning the police when the murderous psychopaths started being silly in the hardware store and causing a bit of bother. He even took a bullet for someone once, which was particularly heroic given that he was terrified of trains.

Tragically, the life and reputation of Dallas Savage would take a bigger nosedive than Felix Baumgartner on one brutally fateful day. In what was another in an extensive list of good deeds, Dallas was helping out his good friend Julian Poid, a full-time carer for his dear grandmama, unable to do his weekly shop as she'd had a fall during the night, the result of a particularly bad nightmare in which she dreamt she'd had a fall. More than happy to lend a hand in his friend's hour of need, Dallas got on a bus to Nupermarket, and went to the supermarket. All was going well; he'd collected the milk, eggs, potatoes, tinned plum tomatoes and ocean pies, as well as a replacement fuse for the soup sieve. Then an irresistible temptation would catch his eye, and turn his life a hundred and seventy-nine point nine degrees. Namely, a Grundig WK-5040.

It was hopelessly difficult for Dallas to turn away from this 3 kilowatt siren, with an impressive 1.7 litre capacity. Sitting atop a 360-degree full swivel base, and boasting such features as a removable and washable limescale filter, a covered element for a clean boil and a pioneering boil-dry protection system, which triggered an automatic switch-off if the kettle contained an insufficient amount of water, or perhaps even none at all, Dallas was understandably smitten with this wondrous kitchen-dwelling device.

Dallas checked the price: £50.99. Still full price, not on special offer. He realised he'd left his wallet back in his home village, and was initially downhearted. Then a thought crossed his mind; he hurriedly drew Julian's shopping money from his pocket and counted. There was enough to cover most of the shopping and the kettle, albeit only just. He would have to leave a couple things behind. Granny Poid would be fine with a couple less tins of chip-shop flavour mushy peas and packet of Garibaldis, he was sure. And so, Dallas indulged his desire, just this once, and bought himself the appliance. He would quickly pay the difference back to Julian of course, with interest and the remainder of the shopping, real soon. All would be fine, he thought.

When he returned and explained his actions to his good friend, Dallas Savage was met with a wall of fury the like of which he had never witnessed before. Julian screamed and shouted with utmost anguish of how he'd been betrayed, by his best friend no less. He cursed, lashed out, fell to his knees and wept, deeply emotionally pained at how his poor grandmother would be forced to eat dry mash for the next couple of nights. Within seconds, word had spread around the town of Dallas' abhorrent breach of trust, and in the blink of an eye his reputation was shattered. Dallas would forever be labelled a liar, a traitor and a thief, as well as many other less than savoury descriptions, by the many people who once adored him and considered him a role model.

Dallas was contrite in the absolute for his shameful act of giving in to temptation. His remorse for the ill feelings he had caused so many came far too late to hold any meaning, however. He was arrested and charged by his village's money police, and submitted to the courts where he pleaded guilty for his actions. He was sentenced to life imprisonment, likely never to dare show his face in town again.

And so ends the tale of the spectacular fall from grace of Dallas Savage. The moral of the story: If you see something you want, wait for the price to come down, whether by shopping around, special offer or simple, natural depreciation. That way you shall have enough left over to buy those critical extra supplies and not let yourself and others down.

Where is Dallas now? He is currently entering his 32nd year in prison, currently sharing a cell with Perry the paedo. The latest in a long line of cellmates, Perry is serving 4 months for the unauthorised swatting of a bee.

In memory of Mr Buzzington, beloved drone of Nupermarket Apiary
2013 - 2013

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

Tesco Value JK12

It was twenty to three in the afternoon on Furlong Road, one beautifully sunny Equiday, where two residents of the sugar beet-en street were sharing a conversation.

"Hi, Whinnyfred!" greeted his acquaintance Ascott.

"Afternoon, neigh-bour!" replied Whinnyfred cheerily. "How's the old mare today?"

"Well, let's just say the going's good to firm, if you know what I mean!" came the answer. "Listen, me old chestnut; I was trotting round to the shops in Distal Phalanx this morning, and bumped into our old mucker Parrotmouth!"

"Galloping geldings, haven't seen him since he was a foal!" spluttered Whinnyfred. "What's he up to, nowadays? Last I heard he bucked off to somewhere far-rier way."

"Aye," replied Ascott. "He cantered all the way down from Colt, and now he's knackered. He was really gaskin for air."

"Heh, just as long as he doesn't stirrup trouble." exclaimed Whinnyfred. "Make sure you fetlock your doors and gaits at night to be on the safe side!"

Ascott gave a knowing grin. "Lame! Anyway, I'm chomping at the bit to tell you what I finally got delivered in the winning post today!"

"Ah! Is it those new irons you ordered?" inquired Whinnyfred.

"Better than that, my new kettle finally turned up!" told Ascott. "A Tesco Value JK12, to be precise. Only a cheap one, I know, but you have to start somewhere."

"Ah yeah, that cheap plastic contraption you were on about before." groaned Whinnyfred. "You know, it's funny how the fine folk at Tesco are so eager to point out that it's 'not hazardous material'. It's as if they're hiding something."

"Well with such a basic model as this it's difficult to see what they're hiding, if anything." Ascott continued. "1.7 litre capacity, limescale filter, water level indicator. And that's it really. Jocky told me it has a reasonable boil time, so it shouldn't be a problem."

"I'd say take care mate," started Whinnyfred. "I've heard a few horror stories over time. The lid's prone to the odd leak here and there, quite a number of burnt hands. You don't wanna be getting shorter now, do yer?"

"Brrrr! Sounds a bit worrying." said a concerned Ascott.

"Too right, you can never trust these cheap kettles." answered Whinnyfred. "Furthermore, it's probably only gonna be good for a few months' running. Maybe six if you're lucky. I'd say it's odds-on to be a faller."

"Hmmmm. Perhaps you're right." stated a pensive Ascott. "Suppose a basic level of quality's what you should expect from these own-brand appliances. I'll take it in stride and see how things go, but maybe I'll stick to food shopping from there from now on!"

"Haha, a stable choice!" agreed Whinnyfred. "Anyway, that reminds me. Everything set for that barbeque you're doing tonight?"

"I've got all the groundwork in place, it should be a corker of an evening. A true nine to five favourite, even if I say so myself!" explained an amused Ascott. "There is one drawback though; I've been watching a load of rather shocking reports on the news this morning, and I'm afraid I'm gonna have to throw out the burgers."

"Really? That's a bit of a shame. What's happened?" asked Whinnyfred.

Ascott sighed wearily. "They went off. I accidentally left them out of the freezer while I was watching the news."

"Ah, cack."